Whenever Janis and I would talk about her childhood it almost, not always, but almost, turned to the abuse she received at the hands of her parents or others. This was either directly or indirectly (as in abuse, neglect and failure to protect), received from her mother. (Her father was alcoholic and mostly absent from the home – a form of neglect/abuse, a failure to protect). She blamed her mother for not protecting her. The sexual abuse was early, pervasive, and continued throughout most of her childhood years.
I spent over 30 years in social work, working with families and children at risk. Twenty of those 30+ years was with State of Maine Child Welfare, and Child Protective Services. In CPS, I conducted forensic interviews (many times working with law enforcement) all witnesses, including the child victims, the offenders, drafted legal affidavits, court orders, and legal summaries, prepared the legal case for court, and sat beside the Assistant Attorney Generals in the courtroom, for consult. Once a child was in custody I became, as agent for the State of Maine, legal guardian of any children on my caseload. Arranged all medical/psychological treatment plans and attended all meetings for each child at school or in therapy. I worked with foster parents in their home and monitored the care of the children. I also worked with the offenders in most cases as they went through treatment plans, and monitored, wrote legal documents, attended all court hearings for children in State custody working toward reunification, or termination of parental rights; and developed case plans and legal work for adoption.
I speak of this because I was married to Janis. I understood. I not only felt deep compassion for her plight as a child, I understood the dynamics of how this occurs, what treatment means for children of abusive experiences, and the depth of the harm done.
I write of Janis’s mother as she was represented to me by Janis and her siblings, and from my personal observation of her as a mother. I knew her, and by proxy, I knew her as Janis’s mother. It is strong language to put out there how Janis suffered from this abuse. But it needs to be told. And keep in mind that child abuse is often, not always, a learned behavior, and can be passed down through families. So…who’s to blame? (Part 3 looks at this issue). Understanding the adults that these children become, most often struggling with life in ways we, as fortunate adults from relatively caring, safe and loving childhoods, often take for granted. In some cases the damage may be so profound that the adult survivors end up in institutions, prisons – or dead. The abundant research is overwhelming and damning. Most survivors are heavy substance abusers, physically, or psychologically scarred. They may not appear so to us in everyday life, but they are here; suffering quietly, or not so quietly, but suffering.
I mention all the above before proceeding. Because, of all the abuse Janis went through, the single most damaging was the emotional trauma of abandonment – that is the loss of childhood. This theme became the baseline for all the other traumas, physical, psychological, and other emotional traumas that struck her down in those early developmental years. And I had the result of this woman’s childhood in my love, in my life I had this hurt child as an adult. I can speak to the consequences first-hand. And I will. So that her life will count for something. She wanted that more than anything, to be normal – her words, “I just want to be normal.”
She wanted to count for something, and she did. But the abusive early life, made it impossible for her to fully experience the positives in her adult life. She never gave up though. She kept trying (therapy, psychiatry-medications, acupuncture, biofeedback, diet/nutrition, exercise at the gym, yoga, and more). She wanted to be creative, and she dove into a creative period providing me with some beautiful artwork that hangs on our walls at home, as well as on the walls of her room in the compassionate memory care unit she resides in comfortably and safe today. She gave us three wonderful children (and three beautiful grandchildren); she is still to this day in care, giving to others; many of the staff that care for her now comment to me on her personality! This charming, charismatic girl can still shine through and bring a smile to the faces of the aides, nurses, housekeepers, and other staff. She gives kisses and chuckles and smiles, on her best days she even speaks a few words. She stunned the staff when she survived palliative care and death, to return to us last fall. She is giving of herself in many ways still. Her life is counting for something.
to be continued ~Part 3, Child Abuse: about who’s to blame?
The book, ENTANGLED, dementia, multi-diagnosis, love, and eternity is written and in pre-publish status.
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