Monthly Archives: March 2023

March 19, 2023 · 6:47 pm

HOW TO FIX THIS MESS

Robert Frost said something like, all of life is a metaphor. Doesn’t help when trying to come up with a topic for this blog, too much to choose from. I’ve spent my entire adult life since leaving the military working with families and children. In retirement, I continue this work through my writings and books. I never planned to be a social worker. In fact, it was the last thing I expected to do.

If I were able to describe my surprise when I discovered, that was who and what I was, I’m not certain I could tell you. It might not be the thing that I do best, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it is the best thing I do. It turns out that I have spent a career watching out for children. Again – not the thing I did best, but I like to think that it has been, and is, the best way I could’ve spent my time. I’m a grandfather now and I can report to you that it is all it is cracked up to be. I am humbled, thrilled, and so proud that it is embarrassing, except it isn’t. Even writing this down I get butterflies thinking of them. Flip-side of this is that once you are a parent you are a parent for life. I worry about my grandchildren just a bit more than their parents do. My perspective has changed. I see every pothole in the road as a threat to each of them.

What would you think if I told you that most of the world’s problems can be solved? I’m going to launch this entry into my ideas about child abuse and the details may sometimes be, as the kids say- boring, but in this matter, the ends may justify the means.  I have come to recognize all children as bright, joyous creatures that should be cherished and respected for all that they are and for all that they will be encountering in life. We, as a species, through all cultures, have spent centuries ignoring or turning our heads when it came to the abuse of children. We know it, we think we see it, understand it, we pass laws and admonish, and sometimes even prosecute abusers in court. All to no avail. What many have not understood is that it is not just a matter of individual rights. Or parental rights. The truth is it has a crucial role in the diminishing of the social and economic advancement of our species. Someone said, “The measure of a species’ dignity is in how they treat their young.”

Do I have a simple answer? Of course not. But I’m convinced that I have an answer that addresses a fundamental truth of why the world is so violent. I’m not naive, and I know there are many wonderful and amazing things that life gives us. However, there is a puzzling force in life that leads to shocking and inexplicable violence, and mass shootings of people – of children! (What the hell is that about?)  I’m not going to recite all the violent episodes in life, but you get the picture. War is the most unbelievable, and for lack of a better word…stupid example. When a child is killed a manifestation of pure joy in the universe has been extinguished. And when a child is assaulted, even in minor ways, the assault has an impact on the child’s developing nervous system (see Behave, Robert M. Sapolsky Ph.D., Penguin, 2017).  

If asked what to do about it I get as overwhelmed as anyone else. But the clearest I can come to a response based on my own experience is three-fold: 1. Change the world one child at a time. 2. Be profoundly aware of the politics around child welfare issues and vote accordingly. Children are the priority. 3. Be kind to all kids regardless of your involvement. Children are shaped in big ways by even the smallest interaction we might have with them. You can never know the impact (even one interaction) your kindness may have on them. I have many examples of this, but I’ll mention one. I received a call while working at a summer camp as a social group worker, from a mother whose young son had spent a two-week session at camp. Later, at home, he was killed in an accident involving climbing a tree to get to his kite. The mother asked if I could reach a counselor that her son met at camp one summer. This counselor had left such a strong impression that her son always spoke of him. She wanted to reach him to be a pallbearer at her son’s funeral. As one of the administrators at the main office, I was able to track him down. The boy lived in Lewiston, Maine. I found the counselor, Don, living in California. I told Don about the mother’s request and how the two weeks he had spent at camp with her son in a cabin of rambunctious preteen boys, had influenced her son, and how Don had taught her son so much about being respectful and humane to others. And she was hoping he could be located and maybe participate in burying her boy as a pallbearer. Don was shocked! He and I spoke on the phone briefly. He told me he knew who the boy was but didn’t really recall any special attention other than one of ten rowdy boys he and another counselor had that summer for two weeks. There were four sessions, two weeks each – and a lot of kids. He dropped his life in CA for a trip back to Maine and carried the boy’s casket at the funeral. He left then to return to California. The mother called me later and thanked me for finding Don. Think of all the people that boy met in his life…Don had him for two weeks and made a lasting impression on not only that boy, but his mother and family.  And on me.

I have three adult children. I believe I am a good dad, not perfect, but good. I don’t expect parents to be perfect, I aspired to be a good parent in the hopes that life would find that good is good enough. But, as a grandparent(I have four) I confess that in my life-long experience with children, my own, and all the hundreds/thousands of kids I have come across, well I’m afraid good is not good enough. We must as concerned adults, find that fine line between good and perfect and aspire to the perfect, hoping to score at least a B+ in the process. Our kids will be okay if we can show the effort. They’ll be okay. We, not only as parents but as adults should be aware that kids are shaped by the respect we show them. Compassion and firmness when required. Role models for being, like Don, respectful and humane to others. 

“If we are to have real peace, we must begin with the children.” ~Gandhi
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Filed under Alzheimer's, child abuse, mental health, Uncategorized, Writing

Aside

the shortest summer, the longest winter



Note:
Folks who know us and see me often ask how Janis is doing. I don't have much to report because she is so advanced in this disease she is not presenting much to speak of. But since there are people outside of our immediate friends and family that don't hear personally from me, I'm offering this update of sorts.



The summer prior to Janis's placement, today seems as recent as only a few weeks ago. Its been years. It was a short and emotional summer. Our last summer together. The diagnosis was a 'rapidly progressing dementia'.
(So much for a rapidly progressing dementia). 

I wrote about this in the book ENTANGLED. But rereading it today left me bereft. I'm sitting at the computer and devoid of words to describe that day. The day I let her go. I let her down. The fact that I was recovering from a stroke that past Memorial Day weekend now seems like a weak excuse for that decision. 

I spent the afternoon with her yesterday. I gave her a facial massage with lotion, brushed her teeth, brushed her hair. I brought in some new earbuds and spent half an hour getting them set up. Gahh! I have little patience for anything in this digital world. But I persisted and we shared the earbuds. I had one and she wore the other. She only has partial hearing in her left ear. We spent the rest of the visit holding hands and listening to music. No discernable response. She looked at me occasionally, but didn't seem to recognize me. At one point as she dozed I let go her hand to do something and she reached out to grab my hand. I hug her and kiss her face and tell her I love her. No way to know if she hears or understands me. Hours go by. I watch her up face. I watch her sleep. Squeeze her hand and smile at her. When I leave I speak in her left ear (Not sure if she still hears or not she's lost all language and rarely makes even utterances.)

Lewy body dementia (lbd) is confusing to family members and friends. One reason is that a trademark of Lewy body is 'fluctuations' It means that things change often in the presentation of the disease day-to-day, hour-to-hour, for instance, they may bounce back somewhat and visit an earlier stage only to falter and continue in their decline. Where as, Alzheimers is generally a persistent descent. Some other symptoms of lbd, are Parkinson-like symptoms (shuffling walk, shaking,lack of facial expression), hallucinations, delusions, cognitive decline. Memory problems may start later. Over the past several months, and years, Janis has often appeared to rebound and visit to an earlier stage of the disease (fluctuations) only to quickly falter and continue in her decline. Not this time. The descent has been steady and observable. I'm still waiting to see her come back, but this has been a tenacious decline all this past winter. So we shall see.

It's storming today here on the coast of Maine. A light snow, and drizzle of rain at times. A raw, cold day.

That last summer together was brief. Janis and I are now in the longest winter of this disease. 

People who care about me worry that I'm not moving on with my life. To that I say, "This is my life. I'm doing it right now." 

I cannot really move on. There is this matter that I must attend to. We're not done yet.








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March 2, 2023 · 9:15 pm