When I started work at Child Protective Services at the State of Maine’s Child Welfare, Dept. of Human Services in 1984, I asked one of the veteran workers who was retiring, if she had any advice. She waited a few seconds and then said, “Yes. Pay attention to the perfect parents. Look closer.” At first, I thought she was referring to ‘perfect parents’ as good role models, but as the conversation developed it was apparent that she meant to be suspicious of those parents who presented themselves as model, perfect parents.
I won’t pretend to be a perfect parent. Parenting is the business of people-making and we all want to be good parents, not just because of the undeniable truth of our love, there is another aspect to parenting, we also want to raise children to grow into responsible and happy adults. It’s an amazing thing to watch our children grow and develop their own unique personalities. But, while we are busy with our lives and our parenting is evolving without us always being cognizant of our parenting – we sometimes make mistakes. Still, resilient children survive the mistakes for the most part.
There is no such thing. No perfect parents.
Parenting is an imperfect business. We all make mistakes; have regrets; wish we had done a better job; that we were always kind; gentle; loving, and…well, perfect. Or at least reflect on our parenting and learn from that experience. I’ve thought about how much I learned from being a parent. Not just learned about a child’s development, but about my own development, I learned from my children how to become a better human being – parenting is not transactional, it is a pay-ahead kind of thing, and hopefully I was able to do a better job at parenting and to become a better person, as I learned from them. I loved being a parent of young children and having the opportunity to help shape their little world into something special. I was not perfect at this, life is messy and mistakes happen. But, overall I think I did pretty well. I love my kids and love being a dad.
But after nearly four decades of exposure to families and children in my work, I had to consider some brutal facts. Parenting is on a continuum. I met parents who were cruel and vicious, dangerous parents; and I met mostly good parents who were trying to raise their children the best they could, but struggled with the day to day life they were given, and I met parents who were good and balanced in their love and discipline toward their children. I’ve never met perfect parents.
The parents at the higher-end of the abusive continuum often ended up on a caseload at CPS and in some cases lost custody of their children because of an inability or unwillingness to be safe parents, some went to prison for causing serious injury, or death. There are statutes in Maine’s laws (in most all State’s laws. Did you know that animal abuse laws were in place before child abuse laws? In fact, the law to protect animals was a model in developing child abuse laws), that limit the rights of parents. These are laws designed to protect children from serious harm. Physical and/or mental harm.
There is a staggering body of research, hard medical science, that reveals the harm to a child’s developing brain, not just from physical/sexual abuse or injury, but from the psychological abuse that may or may not be accompanied by physical abuse. I’m not going to go into detail, it’s too much for this blog to cover. I will, at the end refer readers to sources where they can pick up some information and begin studying this unpleasant reality .
Child abuse is also on a continuum. There are plenty of nightmare stories, and yes, even here, in our communities, in our neighborhoods. And then there are also stories of parents who learned to change their circumstances and behavior through education and counseling. But Maine’s laws draw the line somewhere along this continuum because of parents being ‘unable or unwilling’ to safely parent their children.
I know this is a controversial subject in some circles, but the studies of the human brain from an abusive childhood are indisputable. As Robert Sapolsky, a biological neurologist at Stanford University states, “Childhood matters.” I describe it like this: If you hit your child to teach them, consider what would happen if you hit your neighbor because he was blowing leaves into your driveway – you’d be charged and stand in court for assault. After all, did you hit your child to teach them to walk? To teach them to talk? To teach them to read? (The law, in fact, allows for parents to hit their children – it’s a matter of degree. So in other words, children are not protected from assault as are adults). Children are natural learners, some preschoolers learn to speak two or more languages without being hit. If you hit your spouse because they burned the toast you’d have a situation on your hands.
So, who’s to blame? How does child abuse stubbornly continue to be a social and medical concern? Who’s to blame?
Excepting extreme conditions such as mental health issues in a parent, most people don’t wake up in the morning planning on becoming an abusive parent someday. But, regardless of understanding any conditions in the abuser, an abused child will suffer lifetime injury in varying degrees. And, there may be mitigating factors in their lives or in their genetic makeup. Something, or someone that enters their world and provides enough love or protection to compensate for the abuse. Other things, for example, how much abuse; how frequent; how serious the assault was; how young the child was when it occurred; any threats to the child or their family; and how long it continued without protection, are also factors.
Most authorities on this topic agree that child abuse is primarily a learned behavior. Of course, not all abused children grow up to be abusive, but most abusive adults were victims of abuse as a child. So…who’s to blame? _______________
Start your search for answers with:
2. ACE’s study: https://www.cdc.gov/Violenceprevention/Childabuseandneglect/Acestudy
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