Monthly Archives: March 2020

Right now, Monday, there’s either nothing much on my mind or there’s too much, and I can’t sort through it. I’m not sure which it is. I don’t think it matters it ends up the same; a little stuck. I just read through a novel I had started several months ago. Just a short while before Janis was placed. It was a developed idea that I had carried around in my head for years, I just couldn’t get it started. Well, apparently I did, and forgot about it. I just plugged in my flash-drive, and found it along with a poem I had written for Janis. The novel is the story of a young girl, her step-brother, and two of their childhood friends. It was intended to shift into three parts and tell the long story of what happens to them in this small coastal town of Maine, when a young boy appears for a summer. This boy falls in love with the protagonist, Esme, (she carries the title of the book). They grow up with this boy Ben, appearing every summer to stay with his wealthy grandmother, who owns a large house on a hill overlooking the town. Her family owns most businesses, and large plots of real estate in the small fishing village of Harbor Neck, Maine. I looked closely at what I had written (nearly 12,000 words and 20 pgs.), and I like it. Now what? I have a broad outline in my head that breaks the book into three parts to see what becomes of these five kids as they become adults, in book three. A funny thing, as soon as I read parts of the manuscript the entire project reappeared in my head. Not fully developed but in good shape for writing.

With time on my hands being quarantined for Corona Virus (hopefully there is going to be a posterity who will be around to remember this nightmare virus, that has landed all of us across this country, inside snuggling or squirming in our homes), I find I have time to write. Yet I have so many ideas I get excited and stuck. What next? I have to publish Entangled and draft a new and improved copy of A Certain Fall. And, yesterday evening, I had dozed on the sofa cramming Cheese-Its (gotta watch those carbs during Corona); I had one of those disturbing visits from Janis; who walked into the room just as I was waking. It startled me. So today when I opened this book on my flash-drive I saw that the dedication was a book for Janis. (Who else?)

When we used to take our day trip to Camden, we talked about this story and it took root in my head somewhere and I must say, I found that brief moment’s visit from her to be a little tug to get me to select that particular flash-drive (I have several), and open to that well developed beginning to the story. This is the character development part that often is the impetus, for me at least, (I don’t do much outlining, I like to watch the characters develop my story for me), to move the book to another level. So I guess I’m going to get up earlier each morning, and get my morning ablutions over with, take a walk, eat breakfast and sit my ass down to business. 1st –Entangled, 2nd -New Edition of A Certain Fall, 3rd -(and here is the sticking point) I have another project for a large story based loosely on some experiences in my military adventures (?) while working in MI in Frankfurt, Germany during the mid-late 60’s. Title: The Need to Know. But, Esme is a beguiling novel, with characters that are interesting, it makes me want to see them grow, and inhabit this book, this place in time. The kind of novel I love getting myself immersed inside of. And, it was a project that Janis really liked and maybe, just perhaps, visited me to remind me. What the hell…it sure feels like that.

I guess this is a good thing for me to have writing available to me. I am still learning the craft (it really is a craft, putting it all together), and enjoy it so much that I feel guilty. Ooops. I’m not supposed to reveal that. But, it’s the truth. Writing and crafting a novel is exciting and challenging. But when I let myself think of Janis and her situation, I start to feel just a little pull to be with her. Of course, during this time, I’m not allowed. So in a bizarre twist, I find myself with the time to write, and I want it to be for Janis. It makes me feel closer to her. She was my best cheerleader. My muse. So, Esme? or the other?

This morning, Tuesday, I had facetime with Janis. The Activities Director at her Unit offered this as an alternative to our shutdown on visits. It was comforting to see her react to me. Smiles, and really glued to the screen observing me talking to her. Of course, she can’t speak so it’s all one way. The whole thing took only 10 minutes or so. But, we’re going to do this twice a week or more. This was another very thoughtful and compassionate provision this Unit has shown us throughout her stay. The Director of Activities, Shelly, took this on herself so that her staff could continue their work with the residents. She told me that I could call her anytime, and if she was able she would do more facetime with Janis. Janis looked good. It was emotional and exciting, but left me wanting to be with her. Hopefully, this Corona will move on, and we can be together again.

(Oh, and that poem for Janis, c. 2010? Not too bad. Needs a little work, but pretty good. She inspires me still, today.)

[Since Janis’s placement in care in August, 2014, I have kept family and friends apprised of her circumstances. This email project has made it possible to keep folks updated, and keeps me in touch. This is a recent email. I don’t fuss much with grammar, etc. so these emails are often pretty off-the-cuff and quickly proofed before sending. This is a recent sample.]

UPDATE ON JANIS – DURING CORONA – FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Apparently, I have been remiss in keeping up to date. I want everyone to know that they can check the blog, but l also haven’t been keeping that up very well. I am back to normal, whatever that means, and trying to catch up. 
As of today: I just spoke with my favorite CNA (she loves Janis and gives her a lot of attention when she is on duty), Kate is a single mom with a little girl I’ve met also, when she has come to work with her mom.  She’s the same age as Brinley, 4 yo, Maya’s daughter, her birthday is in the same month and year. I’ve called the Unit a few times since Corona broke out. The entire building 3 floors, has been in lock-down, no visitors allowed since March 9th. Janis’s Unit is on the 3rd floor. The rest of the building is made up of traditional Nursing Home Residents and a Rehab Unit. For those of you who have not yet heard my praises for this place: I have only good words to speak of this building, the staff, and especially Janis’s Unit. During Janis’s time in Palliative Care on this Unit last Fall, we were given a private room, on the same Unit with the same staff, and great caring from additional staff of the Hospice folks. This room came with room service throughout the day! I was permitted to live with Janis, meals included. (I even got to raid the frig at night for ice cream for Janis and myself ) on the Unit 24/7 for the entire time, (1 whole month!) until Hospice Care had her returned to her own room. That’s a story in it’s own.
Back to today: The Unit is clear of any signs of the virus. Every precaution is being followed. And Janis is in good spirits. Kate spent some time on the phone with me, and described Janis as in a good mood, she had just finished her lunch and will be down for a nap around 2 pm, and up for dinner around 4:30 – she gave Kate a kiss on the cheek when she was caring for her in the morning, and broke into a big smile (I’ve seen Janis with Kate, they really have a connection, but this is what this amazing staff is like. They connect to their residents. It is heartwarming, and so comfortable for me to know that she is loved and cared for by them). Tomorrow morning, Kate is on duty again, with my favorite RN, Julie, in charge. This team is exceptional. Kate is arranging for me to talk to Janis (in her left ear where she has some limited hearing.) And starting Monday, the Activities Director, Shelley, is setting up a ZOOM program (?-don’t ask), so families can do video visits!!! What a place this is.
 I can’t wait.

The good news is, that all is well. I have every confidence in the staff there, and I know some of you have met them as well, and agree. As for me, my kids have rallied and got me under their collective thumbs to be sure I don’t break any CDC rules for the elderly. I’m a lucky man. I have some great friends also. And Janis? Well, she is loved and cared for. I keep close tabs, and when I call the Unit they know me by first name, all 3 shifts. (Kate calls me ‘Bob-bo’).  Janis taught me how to schmooze. She’s in good hands. I’m going from this email right to the blog. (It may include a copy of this email to sum up business, updating, and what these Update Emails are about.) But, I miss her.
As always, if anyone wants to talk with me about Janis, (my favorite subject), you can reach me at my new number.
Love, Bob~ (aka Dad),

Face Book ~ Maine novels by Robert Chapman
www.robertwchapman.com
robertchapmanblog.wordpress.com

Sept.- October 2019 *

I have not kept a daily entry these past few weeks. Janis was moved to palliative care. (And somewhere in this time I started medication for anxiety and depression). This was a private room on the same unit, with the same exceptional compassion and good care for all their residents. She was taken off all her medications, except the ‘comfort’ meds. She was dying. Stopped eating enough to the extent that she basically was not able to nourish herself. Lost weight. No speech. No interaction. At some point these past months her legs and arms had contracted into a fetal position, and were so rigid she could not be relieved by any stretching exercises. Late in September she was unresponsive, and was moved into the private, palliative care room. All her medications other than a minimum of comfort meds were stopped. I moved into that room with her and stayed there day and night, sleeping on a pullout sofa and bed. For a month, I lived on the unit with Janis in this private room. My days with her were filled with holding her hand, tending to her comfort, I watched a little TV and read some. And I began to talk a little more to her than I may normally have done during a visit. (This was, of course a one-way activity.) At night I held her, and spoke to her about how much I loved her. And I told her that I wanted her to come back to me, but only if she could manage it, I said something like, “If you can do this for me I would love it, but you don’t have to…I’ll be okay. Our friends and our kids will all be available to help me. I just want you to know that I love you. No matter what. I love you.” This is a mantra I had adopted. I spoke this to her in her left ear where I believe she still has some hearing left, several times a day but also every night. There was not much sign that she heard this, but I had to believe that she did.
A week or so into this I noticed one morning when I awoke, that her legs were relaxing and so were her arms. She began to smile occasionally. During a visit by family, she woke up, and connected to the event, she began chuckling when she recognized her kids and my sisters. Our grandchildren were all there as well, and gave her kisses; she smiled, chuckled. She was excited. We were all surprised at this response.
Then one day when the CNA was getting her washed up, she laughed and said something. The CNA, one of her favorites, looked at me and said, “Did you hear that?” I nodded, and said, “And notice her legs.” I went to the nurse’s station and asked her Nurse J. to come to the room. Janis continued to respond for days. At times she was almost giddy with excitement and so was I. Of course, everyone was surprised, yet guarded. One evening, a young CNA, K. , was going off duty for her days off, she stopped in to say to me, “Bob-bo, (her nickname for me) I’m so happy for you and Janis. But, I worry that you might expect too much.” This was received by me as a sweet and gentle-hearted concern. We shared a hug. I assured her that I was hedging my expectations.
A month later almost to the day, Janis was returned to her room. She was beaming; she was watching me smile at her, and she chuckled when lowered into her own bed by the Hoyer lift. The word circulated around the whole building. Including the hairdresser and the receptionist at the front entrance to the Pavilion. One morning, a few days later, one of the housekeepers got on the elevator and commented that he heard of the good news about my wife. He said some were calling it a miracle.
Now, I should note this: As emotional as this all was, the month that I lived in her Unit with her and was able to see this Unit on a 24 hour basis, confirmed what I already knew. This staff, the nurses, CNA’s (the front line soldiers), the doctors, PA’s, the housekeepers, the laundry staff, the Activities Director, everyone on the unit, were remarkable; patient, kind, and treated all residents with compassion and affectionate, physical contact, loving hugs, or a kiss on the cheek, and somehow remained in good humor for long workdays (10 – 12 hour days for some.) And when it came time for me to leave the Unit and return home and to my normal schedule of visits, 3-4 days a week, I missed being there. I was treated well and accepted into the Unit by the staff. Some of the residents were a little surprised, at first, to see me around in the hallways at 10 pm, getting a treat and helping myself in the dining room fridge at night. One resident, M., who always has commented on my white shirts, pulled up to me one night in her wheelchair and asked, “Bob, are you living here now?” I smiled, patted her shoulder, and said that I was staying with my wife for a while. She asked if my wife was okay. I said she was not well, but comfortable.
This entire experience with this Unit, was amazingly healthy for me. It helped me reach a degree of acceptance that I think would have taken much longer. I had time to stay with Janis, and we had our time together, to accept all that was happening–to us both. ” ~

*About the journal entries: as you read them be sure to note the date of each entry. I decided on this for a simple reason, but rather than bring that up at the beginning, I decided to explain it at the end in the notes, again for certain reasons. August, 2014 is a significant date.

Update: I’m still shopping around for an editor/proofreader. I don’t have a date yet, but I’m more concerned about losing control of some of the design and content than I am on a perfect corporate product. If I can’t get a corporate publisher that will allow some of these details, I may go back to Amazon publishing. So I’m not wasting a lot of time. I decided a long time ago that these books were mine and good, bad, or ugly (hmmm), I want them to have my own touch. I’m not concerned with sales marketing, I’m more concerned with getting the experience of learning a craft that I love, and putting the books out to the public. Entangled is special to me for obvious reasons.

Requests have been made for excerpts from ENTANGLED. It’s taken so long so far, and a little longer to complete the business end of the work, my least favorite part. Anyway tongue-in-cheek, I need to be careful…if I include too many excerpts, there will be no book. It’s not a large text. The book is only about 125 pages or so depending on the format of the publisher. A far cry from the monster-sized Mother, Night, and Water. my previous book. I would give you a smiley face here, but I don’t know how to do that. So…..:)how’s that?

The following excerpt is from the Introduction. Later I will include some other entries from the text.
I include this selected, short excerpt to give a little notice about the way the book is set up. It is not a traditional approach. It is something like a memoir, but not a biography. Here goes:


“And a note: the journal/diary entries as stated before, are of course not comprehensive. Also, I rely heavily on research of the impact of childhood abuse and the long term health and psycho-social impact on adulthood. The physical, social, and behavioral health consequences are severe, in particular I’ve drawn on the works of Robert Sapolsky, and Vincent Felitti, M.D., Kaiser Permanente Medical Program, and the Center for Disease Control (CDC).
The text is a collective account using different approaches to the subject matter. Journal entries are pulled from dozens of my journals/diaries over the years and are used only to represent a small history of Janis’s struggle with depression and later, somewhere in this swarm of details, the onset of dementia. And this needs to be said, maybe more than once: this book is focused on Janis’s struggles, and my own, but know this also, there are many, many, happy and loving moments in our lives.
The other parts are a few photos; narratives; an open letter to our children is a summarized history of our lives together; I also spin off in commentaries to expand an effort to explain it all, and offer a sort of spiritual philosophy to these events. The poetry is not inserted for literary critique (probably a good thing), but is a tender expression of its own sort, while providing another insight into our relationship.
Janis is and always was, a joy in my days. I love her unconditionally. She is a bright, shining object in my world. Perky and ready to laugh. Even now, on her best days. She has always provided me with love, laughter, and companionship. So, as this book shows mostly our difficult times and Janis’s battles with mental health issues, depression, and later with dementia, keep in mind, we loved each other and we went through it all together–the good and the bad days. “

I met with the OFBC this morning. Oh, that’s not a secret, soviet agency from a scene in an Austin Power’s film, it’s the Old Friends Breakfast Club. Get it? OFBC. Okay, so why am I writing about breakfast? Well, I’m not. I’m writing to say how fortunate I am to have the privilege of being with such a group of adults. And make no mistake, we are adults. Very grown up adults. Very old grown up adults. (Just ask the waitress). We’ve been meeting for over a year. We started as three, and now have developed into 10 in our group, we’ve added three tables. And we have fun. (Just ask the waitress.)

After two hours of absolutely riveting conversations about grandchildren, physical ailments, sores that don’t heal, how time flies, and what it is like to have cataracts removed with your eyes wide open! (And just so you know, all grandchildren are very smart, and very cute, and very exciting; and they are all gonna grow up to be lawyers or doctors); I glanced over at our waitress, now safely behind the counter…she was a little too excited, and just a little frazzled, her hair had kinda come undone, and she looked, well, sweaty, as she waved goodbye.

Back to my friends. When Janis went into care, I held up pretty well for a brief period of time, but that didn’t hold me for long. I began to go into a fall. I started to withdraw a little and spent a lot of time alone in our small apartment. I was asked to do childcare for my grandchildren two days, weekly and I do that. It helps. I love being with them. Then one day, I contacted a couple that were friends of ours, and we had breakfast together, just the three of us. Then an amazing thing happened. We started to grow. Now, a year later, we may have to make reservations if we get any bigger. Here’s my point. One of the recommendations I read about for circumstances such as I was in, is to be social, hang out with friends. And my advice is the same.

I have made friends with a number of wonderful people I met working at Bowdoin College in my retirement. And they have proven to be much closer than I would have expected. They rallied and include me in many ways. I value their friendship. But, the OFBC? They are friends that go back to first grade in our small community. We all grew up together right through high school. We are like family. In fact, in some ways we are family. I have high hopes that we will be joined by others. And that waitress? Well, I bet she’ll just love seeing us come in the door. Really. She will.

After breakfast, I drove across town to visit with Janis. As I walked onto the Unit, I felt well. I guess you could say, that I felt like I was going to be okay now. Thanks to all my friends.

Can’t reach the site via Google Search ?? But use the www search at the top it works just fine http://www.robertwchapman.com  This is a temporary problem with the transfer of domain name. Bear with me. I’m on a steep learning curve here.